


Some Sunny Day

by andachippedcup



Category: Castle
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-01-24 21:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1618004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andachippedcup/pseuds/andachippedcup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the events of the Season 6 Finale, Kate Beckett and company work through their grief and mourn the loss of their dear friend. But amid her suffering, Kate Beckett finds evidence that the crash might have been far from accidental. Faced with the unshakable grief over losing another person near to her heart, Kate will pursue any and all possible leads - but at what cost?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 168 Hours

Staying in her old apartment hadn't been an option, seeing as she'd given it up in anticipation of the wedding and had sold off or moved over all of her furniture and belongings. But as she entered the place that she had just begun to think of as 'home', there was nothing home-like about it.

Home, she had come to realize, was not found within these four walls but rather, in _his_ arms.

A reassuring squeeze of her hand reminded her that Alexis and Martha were alongside her, Alexis fidgeting sadly behind her, Martha with her arm looped through Kate's for support.

It was a sad evening. There was no room for any other emotion but anguish. Kate had changed out of the wedding dress as quickly as she could, doing her best not to think of how unfair it was that, instead of happy smiles and soft kisses being shared by lovers as his hands gently eased her out of it, she was exchanging tears and tissues as comforting hands helped her escape the dress that had left her feeling as though she were suffocating in its grasp.

She hadn't been able to face her friends, though Lanie and Kevin and Javi had all come to check on her and Martha and Alexis. Instead, she'd managed to pull on sweatpants and a tank top, only to lose herself in the closet as she buried her face in his shirts, breathing in the familiar smell of him.

She'd pulled on one of his favorite blue shirts and turned the collar up as she smelled it deeply, sighing at the comfort that familiar smell brought to her. She'd even padded into the bathroom and sprayed a bit of his cologne onto the shirt, reveling in the way it evoked memories of countless hours in his arms. With such thoughts on her mind, Beckett had proceeded to curl up into a ball in the middle of their bed, one of his pillows clutched to her chest.

The tears had come hard and fast, unrelenting as they set her carefully done makeup to ruinous trails down her cheeks. At some point – she wasn't sure how long after the sobs had started – she felt the mattress shift beside her on his side and she rolled over suddenly on the whim of an irrational ray of hope that it would be him sitting beside her.

Instead, Alexis sat beside her on the bed, her eyes teary and bloodshot as she looked miserably to her almost stepmother.

"A-Alexis." Kate stammered, sniffing and frantically rubbing her eyes with the back of her hands, trying in vain to be a pillar of strength. Kate might have lost the man she loved, but Alexis had lost a parent. Kate was only too aware of how painful a burden that could be and how deep this scar would run across her heart.

"I just… I  c-came to apologize." Alexis whispered between ragged breaths, the redhead clearly treading on the verge of wracking sobs. Kate's eyes narrowed in confusion and she shook her head, uncomprehending.

"Alexis, what are you-"

"It's my fault. Don't you see? If I had found a different venue, he wouldn't have been on that road, he wouldn't have crashed. He would still be here if I had found someplace in the city… Kate, I'm so sorry, it's all my fault." Alexis rushed, dissolving into tears and throwing herself into Kate's arms as the stunned would-be bride wrapped her arms around the young girl, cradling her like a child as she wept, the sort of tears that Kate knew went bone-deep and would never fade from memory.

Martha hovered in the doorway, misery written on every line of her face while she simultaneously maintained her composure. She motioned as if to collect Alexis but Kate shook her head gently, bringing the older woman to a halt with a soft motion of her hand.

"Alexis." Kate whispered, craning down to look at the youngest Castle, who was still holding onto the detective for dear life. "It is _not_ your fault. You didn't cause that crash. You made your dad _so happy_. He didn't even think of anyone else to be his best man because you are and always have been the most important person in his life. You didn't cause his death. But you did bring his world to life." Kate assured, carding her fingers through the younger girl's hair, just the way Johanna Beckett had once done to a young Kate.

"But if I-"

"No." Kate said firmly, shaking her head. "This isn't your fault. I promise. And if he were here, he'd tell you the same thing." Kate rushed, the words catching as she gasped for breath, fighting back sobs. The two embraced tightly then, and when Alexis rose some moments later and excused herself to go find a tissue, Kate watched her go with a sad sort of pride in her strength. Alexis would survive; she would never heal, but she would _survive_. And that was the best that any of them could hope for, really.

"That goes both ways, Katherine."

Sniffing, Kate turned her attention to Martha, whom she'd almost forgotten was in the room still. Wiping her eyes, Kate fixed Martha with an uncomprehending stare, shaking her head.

"I don't know what you mean, Martha."

"Oh don't give me that, Katherine Beckett. You may fool Alexis but I can read you like a book. Don't you do it, dear. Don't blame yourself for this. My son's death is not your fault."

Kate's face fell and she dropped Martha's gaze quickly, staring at her hands as she clenched them in her lap, tears falling silently down her face and onto the high thread count sheets below.

"B-But that's not true." Kate whispered, refusing to meet her would-be Mother-in-law's gaze. "It _is_ my fault… If I hadn't gone to that stupid Vegas chapel, he never would have had to file those papers. He wouldn't have been on that road…"

Her lips quavered, the desire to cry, to let her very being dissolve into tears and pain, growing stronger with every minute. Instead of crying though, she blinked back the tears, her own hurt outweighed by her guilt and self directed anger.

"You're wrong Martha. His death _is_ my fault. If it weren't for me… he would still be alive."

\-----

A week ago she'd been standing, staring at her reflection in the mirror, all smiles as she touched the fabric of her mother's dress in disbelief and joy. She'd been preparing to say her vows, to kiss the man she loved and ride off onto a glorious honeymoon for three weeks of murder-free fun, lounging together in luxurious hotel rooms and soaking up the sun.

How quickly things could change.

The black fabric of her dress felt constricting in the most unpleasant way, leaving her feeling as though she could not get a breath of air. But then again, perhaps that was just her own guilt suffocating her slowly.

She smoothed the fabric of her dress and pulled a loose strand of hair into place as she surveyed her reflection, determined to hold herself together as best she could. If not for Alexis and Martha, then for him. He would have wanted her to be strong.

"Kate… are you ready?"

Lanie's voice was soft as she slipped inside the room, careful to linger by the door; Martha and Alexis would have warned her not to venture far inside the room. Kate had barely left it since… since….

"I'm going to be sick." She responded, beginning to crumple. Her carefully concocted façade fractured as she tried to face the idea of laying him in the ground. In a heartbeat, Lanie was at her side, warm hands grasping her shoulders reassuringly and guiding Kate to the bed to sit.

"Keep it together Kate. We're going to get through this. I promise. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be with you every step of the way, girl."

"Lanie, I don't think I can do this." Kate confessed, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes as her friend helped guide her to the bed so she could sit down as she broke out into a cold sweat.

"None of us can do this. Not alone, anyway."

Kate snapped her head to the left, looking to see Javier standing in the doorway, Ryan standing just behind him. Dressed all in black, they stepped carefully into the room, gingerly stepping over the clothing and sundry items she'd strewn about in her grief.

Kate looked to them, the tears spilling down her cheeks as she shook her head, too emotional to handle her friends' devotion in her time of need. Slowly, Esposito helped her onto her feet and then, quivering and unsteady, she looked him in the eyes and _broke_.

His arms wrapped around her and she shuddered as sobs wracked her frame, her face pillowed on his shoulder as tears rolled off her face.

"H-He's gone, Espo. He's really gone."

"I know." He responded, pulling her into his arms even tighter as she cried all the harder while Lanie and Kevin watched on, sorrow and pity on their faces. After some minutes she quieted, and Esposito gently eased her off his shoulder. He remained alongside her, carefully supporting her right side while Kevin came around to support her left. Helped by the two of them thusly, Kate walked into the living room where a doleful Martha was being consoled by Kate's father, stoic as always, and an utterly forlorn Alexis stood alone and waiting.

Seeing them, Kate slowly stepped out of Javier and Kevin's arms, moving slowly to her small, broken family and embracing them in turn – Alexis first, then Martha, and finally her father.

"I'm sorry, Katie." He whispered in her ear as he looked at her, echoes of the sadness he'd felt at her mother's passing circling like ghosts in his eyes. She imagined the same could be said of herself at the moment.

"Thanks for coming, Dad." She responded with a gulp before turning and grabbing Alexis so that, hand in hand, the pair left the apartment, the rest of the sad little party following suit.

It wasn't a traditional ceremony; but, things with Castle had never really been 'traditional'. The chairs painstakingly arranged in the park, oriented around ample flowers and a large portrait of the man she had loved, beneath which a small stand had been erected to bear the urn with his remains. To the side of this stood a podium with a small microphone connected to the speakers discretely placed around the large gathering of mourners.

Words were said but none of them stuck in Kate's memory, her eyes trained on the urn, so unimaginably small to contain (what little remained of) a man with a spirit so large. She didn't realize it was her turn to speak until Martha touched her elbow gently and motioned forward. Stirring, Kate had been forced to extricate herself from Alexis' ironclad grip, exchanging a tight embrace with the youth before she stepped forward, eyeing the group before her with teary eyes.

One week ago, the faces in this room had gathered to see her married. She could still remember their faces when she'd gone out to tell them the news, having refused Javi and Ryan's offers to do it for her. The looks of horror, the sudden tears, the disbelief. Now, they wore expressions of sorrow, beleaguered by the sum total of events that the last week had held.

"As many of you know, Richard and I knew each other for a long time before we finally found each other." She began, the sound of his full name sounding so foreign on her lips. He was Rick, he was Castle, but never Richard to her; that name had been reserved by Martha, it had always seemed to her. "During the six years we have been partners – professionally first and romantically later – he saved my life more times than I could count. Fortunately though, he never lost track." Kate whispered, finding herself making a noise torn halfway between laughter and a sob. "After one of our near misses, I remember he told me that this was the eighth time I had saved him… and that he had saved me nine times." Kate recounted, her hands trembling as she gripped the podium the microphone was attached to more tightly for balance.

"What I never got the chance to tell him was that the number of times he saved me was actually a lot higher than that… I was too proud, I didn't want him to know just how far ahead of me he was in that count but really, Richard Castle saved my life before he even met me." Kate swallowed thickly, holding the tears at bay as best she could.

It was not an easy feat.

"You see, after my mother's murder… I was spiraling deeper and deeper into this dark… _dark_ place. And I don't think I would have ever made it out if it weren't for his books. As silly as it may sound they gave me an escape. And without that…" She trailed off, shaking her head as she tried her best to collect herself.

"So you see, he saved my life more times than I can count. Before he even knew who I was, he saved me _over and_ _over again_. Because that was the kind of man that he was. He was an immensely talented, ruggedly handsome, _heroic_ man. A loyal son. A doting father. And a devoted partner. And for the rest of my life I will wish that I could have been the partner he deserved… A partner capable of saving him as much as he saved me. But I wasn't… I wasn't even close and for that I am so… _so_ sorry." She finished hurriedly, stepping away from the podium, trembling from head to toe as she rushed down the aisle of mourners and ran through the mostly deserted park.

She ran without thought of where she was going, aware only of her own numbness brought on by pain. In retrospect though, there was only one place she could have gone, only one place that would have such a pull on her heart as to bring her there, despite the pain and the grief and the guilt.

The swings were empty when she found them and collapsed into the seat, the very same swing she'd sat on when he had asked her to marry him. Kicking off her black pumps, she pressed her toes into the sand, praying that doing so would ground her in some form or fashion.

Slowly, she pushed herself back and forth, not seeking to gain any real momentum to swing with, just needing some rhythmic motion to calm her racing heart. She stared mournfully at the empty swing beside her, her heart twisting painfully at the memories of him occupying it, of him asking her to marry him, of the kiss that had followed suit.

"Kate."

She didn't look up, didn't even acknowledge the voice until a hand covered one of hers and ripped her from her memories.

" _Kate_."

Gates stood looking down at her, one hand on one of the chains attached to Kate's swing, having brought her to a halt.

"Come with me, Kate."  Her boss, ever brusque and harsh in the workplace, was as gentle as Beckett could remember seeing her as she extended a hand toward her detective. Kate, however, was too reluctant to leave the place that held such memories.

"I can't do it, sir. I know you think he was a distraction and an overgrown child but I just… I don't know how I can face all those people and his family and his friends when I am the one-" She paused and lowered her head, quivering sadly.

"The one that what, Kate? Loved him? Accepted him for all his flaws, accepted his past and wanted to be part of his future? Because the way I see it, _that's_ who you are. You're not the woman that cost him his life."

Kate looked at her Captain with wide eyes and Gates gave the barest of smiles.

"How did I know? I didn't get to be Captain for nothing, Detective. The guilt you feel is written all over your face."

Kate bit her lip as the Captain walked around to the other side of the swing so that now they were both facing each other without Kate having to crane her neck. Gates looked at the empty swing beside Kate and then back and folded her hands before her delicately as she remained standing before her detective.

"You feel sad. You loved him. You miss him. It's alright to feel sad. You feel angry? You were supposed to have a lifetime and you didn't even get your wedding night. I get it. You should be angry. It's not fair. But you also feel guilty. And that, Kate? That's not alright. Because you feeling guilty sure as hell doesn't help you. And it doesn't help the people that loved both of you. So if you want to be sad or be angry, go right ahead. But don't you for a minute let yourself feel guilty."


	2. Milk & Honey

Kate had intended to move out, maybe move back into her old apartment building when a unit opened up. But somehow, between the funeral arrangements and dealing with Rick's will and the scattering of his ashes, time had cruelly passed and she had remained in the Castle home. Partly out of convenience, in truth, and partly out of a fear to relinquish the closeness to the people and things that had been his world. Having taken a sabbatical from work, she had nothing to do and nowhere to go, except the Castle home, with Martha and Alexis.

Though the closeness was comforting, just as often as not, it was haunting and truth be told? Misery inducing. More nights than she cared to admit, she cried herself to sleep, smothering her tears with a pillow for fear of waking Martha or Alexis. The last thing Kate wanted was to compound the grief of the two women whose loss had been equal to, if not greater than, her own.

Alexis had opted to take a semester off from her studies and though Kate knew Castle would have protested such behavior, she didn't have the heart to discourage the young girl. Lord knew Katherine Beckett had dealt with her mother's untimely death in her own, ill-advised ways. She wasn't about to tell Alexis how to deal with her grief over the loss of her father.

On this night though, as the almost-Mrs. Castle woke suddenly from a deep sleep, covered in a cold sweat and her heart hammering, the apartment was full of ghosts. Her breathing uneven, Kate sat up in the bed, looking beside her out of habit and finding the bed miserably empty. There were times, however brief, where immediately after awakening, she could forget that he was gone. Those few, stolen seconds were the only moments of peace she felt anymore.

Shoving the blankets off of her body, she tried to breathe and regulate her heart rate as she walked to the closet and flicked on the light. As always, her gut twisted painfully at the sight of his clothes, all neatly arranged as if waiting for him to return and put them to use. As she passed them by, she ran her fingers over the hanging garments, unable to resist burying her face in one of the shirts as she went.

The smell of him was fading from the fabric of his clothes, albeit slowly, and the realization was hardly pleasant for his grieving fiancée. She'd have to spray his cologne over the clothes soon to help keep them smelling like him.

After all, Katherine Beckett had no intention of boxing up and moving past Richard Castle anytime soon.

At the back of the closet, she plucked his old robe off a hanger, draping it over her near-bare shoulders and wrapping it around herself tightly for warmth. Feeling as reassured as she could hope to be, she padded out of their bedroom and stole into the kitchen, moving slowly and quietly as she set a pan on the stove and plucked a mug from the cabinets in the dark. It wasn't until she opened up the refrigerator door that a voice broke the quiet.

"What are you making?"

Flinching in surprise, Kate turned sharply, her free hand instinctively going to her hip to reach for the gun that was normally holstered there but which was definitely absent now. As she turned though, she found herself face to face with Alexis, sleep still in the corners of her eyes as the redhead slid into one of the barstools at the kitchen counter.

"Alexis."  She breathed in relief and acknowledgement, slumping against the counter. "You startled me."

"Sorry... I couldn't sleep." Alexis responded slowly, her words chased by a wide yawn which she did her best to stifle.

"That seems to be going around." Kate whispered with a wry smile before she fixed Alexis with a warm stare. "I was making some warm milk and honey to help me get back to sleep."

"Warm milk with honey?" Alexis frowned and Kate exhaled softly in laughter and bobbed her head slowly.

"Yeah well…my mom used to make it for me on nights when I couldn't sleep. And then we'd sit on the couch drinking it until I dozed off… It always did the trick." The detective explained, biting her lip as she did her best not to recall the nights following her mother's murder when even warm milk had been unable to lull her to sleep, so profound had her grief been. She feared she was entering similarly dark days now, in truth.

For a moment, they were both silent as they stared at each other. Alexis cocked her head to the side, staring from Kate to the stove while she worried at her lip.

"Mind making enough for two?"

The detective stared for a moment at her late-fiancé's daughter and then, slowly, a warm smile spread across her face.

"Yeah…I'd be happy to."

Kate set about adding milk to the pan on the stove, stirring it as she waited to bring it to a heat. She was sure to add a generous helping of honey just as the milk reached the right temperature, smiling as she stirred the contents of the pan.

The whole thing was a short ordeal, a minute or two at most. With expert finesse, she poured the concoction into two mugs. Alexis began to reach for one of them when Kate made a soft sound in the back of her throat.

"Hold on a sec."

Darting across the kitchen to the spice cabinet, she searched for the right jar by the meager light cast from the light above the stove. When her hand closed around it she smiled and held it triumphantly before her as she sprinkled a pinch into each mug.

"Cinnamon?" Alexis mused in puzzled and weary amusement and Kate nodded.

"Trust me." The brunette grinned as she pushed the mug toward Alexis. The girl nodded and accepted it gratefully, drinking deeply before she fixed Kate with a sleepy but appreciative grin.

"That's actually pretty good." She complimented and Kate ducked her head, nodding.

"My mom always did have a knack for this stuff." Kate mused, wrapping her fingers around her own mug slowly, an appreciative shiver running through her body at the warmth the ceramic gave off.

"What stuff? Cooking?" Alexis asked over her mug, which she was sipping at eagerly, Kate noted with approval.

"Not cooking – although she _was_ good at that too." Kate sighed, walking slowly around the counter to seat herself at one of the open barstools beside Alexis. Silence extended between them as Kate gnawed at her thoughts before finally voicing them. "Mom stuff. She was always really great at taking care of the people she loved." Kate explained, staring at the younger girl with dark eyes.

"You're great at that too, you know." Alexis responded, concern and interest now chasing away the look of sleep in her clear eyes. "You… you always took great care of my dad. And he was basically a child so that kind of makes you a mom." She smiled sadly, tears just pricking at the corners of her eyes as the two women exchanged a knowing, pained look.

Silence had once more fallen between them as they sipped contentedly at their milk, Kate once more feeling worry and guilt and grief dig their sharp claws into her heart. Yes, she had taken care of Rick, even during some of his more childish moments. But that hardly meant she had been good at it; if she had…

No. That was a dangerous trail to allow her thoughts to venture down. She'd done her best. It wasn't her fault. She'd been told that so many times by her loved ones, the words hardly held meaning anymore. Still, no matter what sort of skills she had (or didn't have) when it came to mothering those she loved, Kate had no delusions that she would swoop in and be a mother to Castle's daughter. No matter what she was supposed to have been to Alexis' father, she was _not_ Alexis' mother.

Still, Kate couldn't help but feel that some maternal expectations were, intended or not, being placed on her now as the pair of women struggled to adapt to a world sans-Richard Castle.

And Kate Beckett had no idea how to fulfill those expectations.

"You know, Kate…you take care of me too." It was a quiet, belated admission, one that had Kate turning in her seat to get a better view of the littlest Castle.

Alexis was staring intently at the brunette, her chin jutted out before her with an air of self assured confidence that was entirely reminiscent of her father when he put his mind to something. However, after initial inspection, Kate could see that it was a strained confidence, frayed at the edges by the tears that even now, threatened to overwhelm the bereaved daughter.

"My dad told me how hard you worked to get me back when I was kidnapped. And you were there for me when my dad and Gram were in that bank heist. And when-" Alexis began, falling suddenly silent before she swallowed thickly, shaking her head as she struggled with the words. "With everything that's happened…when I look at the last few years…You've been more of a mother to me than my own Mom." Alexis fell quiet, the admission not a pleasant one to make, even if it was meant as a compliment to Kate.

It wasn't exactly hard to beat someone if they were a consistent no-show. To be fair, Meredith had been present following the events surrounding Rick's death. But following Alexis' insistence on staying in the apartment with her Grams and Kate, Meredith had not lingered long; a little more than a week after the funeral, she'd bid a tearful goodbye to her daughter. And though she had pulled Kate aside and asked to be contacted if Alexis needed anything, Meredith was very much the absentee parent.

"Alexis…you know that I'm… I'm always going to be here for you, don't you?" Kate asked, clearing her throat as her voice rasped with emotion. Alexis lifted her eyes to meet Kate's gaze, both of their mugs of milk forgotten as the conversation had become progressively more serious.

"Yeah…. I do." 

"I don't just mean right now though… I know I didn't get the chance to marry him but Alexis, when I agreed to marry your dad, I wasn't just promising to be loyal to _him_. I was promising to be loyal to you and to your Grams. And what's happened? That doesn't change things between us. I'll always be here for you." Kate stated the words plainly, feeling that it was important for this to be said explicitly.

Castle was gone. And Kate would struggle each day for the rest of her life to make her peace with that. But his family was still here. And as long as they were, Kate was determined to help them and protect them with her last breath, if need be. They were as much family to her as Rick had been.

"Kate… you know that I'm here for you too, right?" Alexis responded in a quiet voice after some time had passed, and the brunette blinked in surprise.

"Umm… yeah. I do know that. Thank you, Alexis." Kate cleared her throat self consciously, lowering her gaze to her feet and scuffing her toes against the legs of the barstool she was seated on. Just then though, Alexis leaned forward and covered one of Kate's hands in one of her own, staring intently at the brunette.

"I can hear you. At night. Crying yourself to sleep." Alexis confessed, her eyes shadowed with sadness as she stared at the woman whose pain she shared. Kate's eyes widened and she grimaced, guilt flashing through her.

"I'm so sorry Alexis, I didn't mean to disrupt you-"

"You think you're disrupting me? Half the time, I'm crying my eyes out too. Just… don't feel like you're in this alone. Okay?"

Feeling almost as though their roles had been reversed as Alexis mothered her, Kate nodded and brushed hair away from her face as she regarded Alexis Castle with newfound appreciation. Despite all she had been through, she was a resilient and strong willed young woman.

"A-And Kate?" Hesitancy had crept back into Alexis' voice as she spoke again, her hand still covering one of Kate's as she seemed to summon her courage for whatever it was the youth had to say next. "My dad wouldn't want us to put our lives on hold… I know I took a semester off, so I probably sound like the world's biggest hypocrite but I know I wouldn't be able to focus on school right now if I was there. My grades would plummet and if I'm going to go to grad school, I need a high GPA. I'll go back… but not until I'm ready." Alexis explained, her words like a gathering of clouds just before the storm.

And then she made it to her real point.

"I don't think you should be taking a sabbatical from work." Alexis explained, the words tumbling from her mouth and increasing in speed as she tried to get through her piece as quickly as possible. "The NYPD needs you. My dad always said, no detective could do the job quite like you. Every day you're away from work, killers are out there, walking free. I know I can't begin to imagine how hard it would be for you to go back but… your job is what brought you and my dad together… Now that he's gone, I know he would want you to carry on that work. So if you're not going to do it for your own sake, then at least go back to work in honor of his memory."

Alexis finished with a sigh, looking so emotionally spent that Kate wanted to hug her in that moment, but refrained.

"And now I'm going back to bed because your warm milk and honey? It really did make me sleepy again." The youth remarked in a more lighthearted tone as she stood up and walked around the counter to rinse her cup before leaving it to sit in the sink. "I'll see you in the morning, Kate." Alexis remarked as she passed by with a quick, small smile, patting the older woman's shoulder as she passed by. Speechless, Kate cleared her throat and nodded.

"Um, yeah. See you in the morning, Alexis." She responded as the redhead rounded the corner, leaving the detective to clasp at her ceramic mug and ponder.

The idea of going back to work was agonizing. For more than half a decade, Castle had joined her day in and day out, working on every case that landed on her desk. Going back would mean more than just facing his empty chair beside her desk. It would mean accepting that her partner, her lover, was really and truly gone forever. That kind of harsh reality was none too appealing.

And yet…

The dedication of _Deadly Heat_ came to mind… Giving up her work, quitting the thing that had brought Rick to her? That would be letting the music stop and the dance end. For his sake, she had to carry on. He would have wanted her to. As long as she did, he'd never really be gone.

Rising from her chair, Kate quietly placed her mug in the sink and then padded back to the bedroom. Plucking her phone up off of the bedside table, she tapped away at the screen, drafting an email to Captain Gates.

_Sir –_

_I'd like to revisit my decision to go on Sabbatical. I'm ready to go back to the Precinct._

-         _Det. Beckett_


	3. Forgotten Melodies

Staring in the mirror, she surveyed her reflection with a critical eye. No matter what she _felt_ , Kate did _not_ want to look as miserable and mournful as she actually was. She'd opted for a navy long sleeve blouse beneath her black, button up twill coat and dark wash jeans and plain black heels. Her hair was collected in an intentionally messy bun and had added a few simple touches of makeup. It seemed like the sort of thing she would have worn before but…

She'd just touched her fingers to the topmost button to take off the jacket when the sound of someone clearing their throat reached her. Glancing up, the brunette could see Alexis leaning in the doorway, staring intently at her.

"I like it." She commented quietly, moving into the room and coming to stand alongside Kate. "Simple but professional." The youth commented. Kate gave a nervous smile.

"You think so?"

"Definitely."

Kate nodded, turning her gaze back to her reflection. Professional or not, walking back into that precinct, knowing he would never walk through it again with her was going to be one of the most difficult things she would ever do.

"Do you want company on the drive? Gram's been telling me to get out of the house. I could go shopping while you're at work." Alexis offered and Kate smiled and patted the girl's shoulder.

"I appreciate the offer, Alexis. But I think I need to do this alone." Kate explained, giving her reflection a cursory glance before she collected her things to leave. "I'll see you for dinner tonight?" Kate asked and Alexis nodded, staring intently at the older woman as she ducked out of the Castle home.

Kate was getting better at hiding her pain but Alexis was also getting better at recognizing the signs. And Kate? She was in rough shape.

\--------

Her desk was a disaster. This, all things considered, was probably a good thing. It was something to distract from the painful reminders of him that she found everywhere. She could barely see his empty chair beside her desk over the stack of paperwork and mail that had landed on her desk.

But she could still see it. And it still hurt. _Badly_. Just as it hurt every time someone went to fix themselves an espresso from the machine in the break room. Or when people apologized to her for her loss. Hell, even the way people _looked_ at her, with pity radiating off them in waves. It _hurt_.

"Nothing quite like the mandatory desk jockeying after time away, huh?" A familiar voice murmured from just beyond the file folders and boxes. Looking up from the report she'd been reading, Beckett saw Ryan and Esposito leaning against the desk opposite her own, their arms crossed before them and small smiles on their faces.

"Oh yeah, best part of the job." She responded sarcastically, lifting one manilla envelope and then another. "The Stephens case, the Ogden trial notes, Sabbatical paperwork… It’s a freaking picnic over here." She muttered, eyeing them for a moment. "I don't suppose you two are here to offer to help, are you?"

"Nah girl, we're here to say welcome back." Esposito grinned, handing her a box filled with loose papers and small envelopes. Taking the box with a soft laugh, she shook her head and set it on the floor beside her desk as the boys looked at her happily. "And to give you this." Espo added with a nod. "Intra-office mail from while you've been gone." He explained.

"Yeah… have fun with that." Kevin added as the two backed away slowly to avoid getting sucked into helping her.

"Shying away from paperwork, you two sound just like Cas-" Kate stopped mid-word, her eyes widening as she ducked her gaze, clearing her throat before she looked over the mail Esposito had handed her.

"Thanks… both of you. It's good to be back." She murmured without making eye contact, grabbing up her pen once more and setting to work on the files before her. In her periphery, she could see the two men exchange a look and Esposito walked forward, until he was standing right alongside her.

"…We're glad you're back. And if you need anything-"

"I won't. I'm fine. Honest guys, I'm just…re-familiarizing myself." She interrupted and Esposito nodded as he heard her out, and then continued with his original train of thought.

"And if you need anything," he said pointedly, looking her right in the eyes, "-you know where to find us."

Biting her lip, Kate nodded slowly, glancing from Espo to Ryan and back again. She knew that as bad as she was hurting, they were hurting too. And shutting them out would only hurt them more.

"Thank you."

Nodding, they both went back to their desks, leaving Kate to play catch up. It was amazing how much she'd missed; cases that had been open when she'd left were now neatly tied up and guilty parties awaiting prosecution. Other cases had concluded in her absence, the verdicts read or pleas accepted.

She took an early lunch to escape the mountains of paperwork that remained, using the time to visit the shooting range so she could re-qualify to carry her gun. That done, she'd found herself distinctly devoid an appetite and so she'd opted to forgo lunch. Going back to the precinct, she sifted through more of the paperwork, pleased that she had at least made a dent in the stacks. Throwing herself into her work to cope with her grief was something she had, by necessity, become rather competent at.

By the time the other detectives began to leave, her desk was at pre-sabbatical levels of paperwork and she could actually see the elephant figures on her desk again. She ran her fingers over them lightly, her eyes falling to the seat beside her desk.

_This isn't going to get any easier if you wait_.

Sighing, Kate stared hard at the chair, remembering all too well the many occasions Castle had sat beside her, teasing her as he was prone to do. She'd gotten much too accustomed to having him around and now she felt his absence more acutely than she cared to consider. Still, leaving his chair beside her desk would do nothing to help her overcome her grief. She couldn't cling to these reminders; if she did, she'd never get past her pain to a place where she could function again.

It had to go back into the break room.

Standing with a sigh, she stepped toward the chair with every intention of moving it, only to nearly trip and fall over the box she'd placed there some hours ago and forgotten about. Catching herself at the last moment to keep from falling, Kate hefted the box up onto her desk and rifled through the intra-office mail that Esposito had given to her. It was mostly the usual things – memos and the like. But one, small manila envelope was noteworthy in that the outside bore no writing whatsoever, not even her name to direct the mail clerk to give it to her.

_Odd_.

Opening the envelope, a USB flash drive fell into her hand and she stared at it, puzzled. Glancing around the mostly empty precinct, she found no one watching her expectantly, so it was doubtful this was a gag. Plugging the drive into her computer, she waited for the file to automatically open, her fingers drumming the top of her desk impatiently.

The strains of music took her by surprise and the sense of cold dread that washed over her left her shaking from head to toe as her computer screen went completely dark, save for a few words in simple white font.

_Some sunny day, I told you we would meet again, Detective Beckett._


	4. Down the Rabbit Hole

"Woah, woah, woah. Hold up. You're telling me that you think Jerry Tyson sent you that flash drive?" Esposito whispered urgently in the back room where Kate had hauled both him and Ryan once she'd found the presence of mind to rip the flash drive out of her computer and collect her wits.

"Javi, listen I know how crazy this sounds. But who else would have done it?"

"Tyson is dead, you saw it yourself. Castle shot him and he fell off a bridge. There's no way he survived that" Ryan interjected and Kate shook her head, pacing back and forth in front of the partners.

"No, not if he planned it." She denied and the two looked at her in disbelief.

"You think he _planned_ getting gunned down by Castle and falling fifty feet off a bridge, into a river?" Ryan repeated, his skepticism evident.  

"I don't know how but I'm telling you guys, he planned to fake his death. And now he's back. That was the same song that was on the flash drive we found in the pen that Kelly Niemann left on her desk when we started to catch onto her and we know that she's got a connection to Tyson."

"Wait…hold up. What pen?" Espo interrupted, staring hard at Kate as she drew up short, realizing that she and Castle hadn't exactly clued in the boys on the eerie, indirect message Tyson had left for them.

"Remember when we were wrapping up the case with the Faux Espo murder? When we went to Niemann's office there was only that pen. Well, Castle was messing around with it and it turned out there was a flash drive inside of it. When we plugged it in, it played _that song_. The same song that this-" she waved the flash drive she'd received in the mail, "- _just_ played. There's no way that's a coincidence. I'm telling you, this is Tyson. He's back and he's trying to send me a message."

Kate paused for a moment, her heart fluttering uneasily. Massaging her temples for a moment, she stopped her pacing as her mind finally caught up to the cold dread she'd been feeling since the strains of music had come out of her computer.

"Castle." Her voice was scarcely above a whisper, horror and understanding ringing in her voice.

"What?" Both Esposito and Ryan responded in unison, their heads cocked at her questioningly.

"It was Tyson… Tyson's the one who killed Castle. He told me we would meet again. That's what he was referencing. Jerry Tyson murdered him to get back at us." She finished, the conclusion she'd reached leaving her dizzy with guilt and horror, as well as the barest note of victory at having decoded the message.

"Beckett-" Ryan began, only for her to hold up a hand to stop him.

"No. Don't. This is a lead. A solid, actual lead. All this time we've had nothing to go on but this… _This makes sense._ " She stated with the utmost of conviction.

"Beckett-" Ryan started in again, only to be interrupted as Kate continued her solo theory building.

"This is exactly Tyson's M.O. He leaves behind no evidence to point to him. He manipulates the scene to divert our attention from the truth."

"Kate," Javier cut her off, using her first name in a soft tone, "-if you really believe this, you've got to run it up the flagpole and get Gates to reopen the investigation." He advised, looking at her in a no-nonsense manner.

If he meant to subdue her, he failed.

"No, no way. This is the most we've found and I'll be damned if I go to hand it over to Gates. You know she won't let me work this and I _need_ to work this case. No one is as familiar with Tyson as I am. And no one wants to catch him more than me."

"Beckett, they ruled the scene of Castle's crash an accident; there was no sign of foul play." Kevin lamented and she shook her head, peering around the corner to Gates' office, where the woman was seated at her desk, busy typing away at her computer.

"No… _No_. I don't believe it. It never felt right and now I know why. Because Tyson staged it all to look like an accident, so we wouldn't suspect foul play and think murder. It's calculated and well orchestrated. It was him." She thought aloud, her eyes wide and mouth agape as the pieces seemed to all fall together in her head. "It was Tyson. This _whole time_ it was him."

"So now what? Hmm? You don't have anything to go on. The flash drive doesn't change that. You still don't know where he is or how he pulled it off. Until you find any of those things out, you're still at square one." Esposito reasoned, trying to ground her once again, with only limited success. "Until then you need to keep your head in the game here. You know Tyson – he can't help leaving little calling cards. If he wants you pursuing him, he'll know he has to leave another. Until then, you gotta wait it out. If you overplay your hand, it'll be over before you can nail him." He finished, glancing at Ryan who seemed uneasy with the whole situation.

"You can't expect me to just sit back and wait while Tyson walks around free. He could kill again and this time who's it gonna be, hmm? Martha? Alexis? Or what if it's Lanie? I can't take that chance, Espo. I have to find this guy." She retorted sharply, clasping the flash drive tightly in her hand.

"And what are you going to do if you find him? You don't have any solid evidence to connect him to Castle's murder. If you're going to hunt him, you've got to do this by the book, Kate." Ryan pleaded gently, in a tone more paternal than professional.

"Could you take it slow, go by the book, if it had been Jenny that he killed?" Kate responded slowly, her voice low and level as she brought her eyes to Kevin's, prompting him to swallow and look down as he shoved his hands in his pockets, nodding understandingly.

"Yeah, okay. I get it. It's personal. It's personal for us too. He was our friend." Kevin reminded her. "But we've still got to do this right because if we don't, he walks."

"No way, bro." Esposito remarked, turning to face Kate with a determined expression. "We won't let that happen."

Kate nodded and gave him a small smile, her hopes buoyed by Esposito's support. She turned next to Ryan, who had always been the harder sell of the two. Raising her brows at him, she put the question to him.

"Well Ryan, are you in or are you out?" She asked seriously. "I gotta know." He glanced hesitantly to Esposito, who shared a knowing look with his partner and Kevin sighed heavily.

"Let's take care of this guy once and for all." He nodded, his eyes dark as he held Kate's gaze. She gave the two a terse nod and tucked the flash drive into her pocket as she turned away from the boys and back to her desk. Hesitating behind her for a few moments, the two men turned to share a glance.

"You're really on board with this?" Ryan asked in an urgent whisper and Esposito shook his head.

"Hell no… but we both know she's gonna pursue it with or without us. And her odds of not getting fired or killed are a lot better with us on her side." Esposito reasoned and Ryan nodded.

"You know if she starts going down that rabbit hole-" He began, only for Javier to cut him off.

"Then we have to haul her back up, kicking and screaming. I know, bro." He nodded, patting his partner on the back before he moved to go back to his desk, doing his best not to let his eyes linger on Kate, who was already staring intently at her computer screen, her lips moving noiselessly as she looked over some document which he knew would be the first of many to cross her desk in the coming weeks.

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to WonderTwinC for getting me into Castle. As thanks for introducing me to the feels, please allow me to return the favor with some lovely, semi-angsty fic. >:3 Enjoy! I haven't tried my hand at writing Castle fic before but I thought I'd give it a spin and just play around with some ideas I'm hoping they touch on in the coming season. =)


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